I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
