my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
