FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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