It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
