I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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