shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He better not be in your backpack
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Randomize
