So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
