A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
