Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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