Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
