I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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