im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
It's just like the Real World with babies
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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