Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
