Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
