it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
