I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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