It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
