What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
