We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
