and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
