one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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