You work out of a Hotel?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
