great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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