My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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