my sisters under your porch take her home
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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