the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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