so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Operation Purity has been aborted
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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