hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
