do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
