She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
