I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
