I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
When are your genitals available?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
