i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
