its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
