Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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