I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i will never coherently bang her
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
