i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
