got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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