My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
