I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
