I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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