Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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