I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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