he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
