How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
