Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
