im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
