If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
We need to get me chipped asap
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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