I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
