I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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