I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
